110,000 people have visited this site. Thank you. It makes me feel like I'm not alone.
I've had more experiences than one person deserves, more lives than I should have had. I see people, endless lines of people, each living different lives, each making different choices, and I see myself in all of them. Or maybe I see them all in myself, how one simple act or decision could have left me on the same path that they're on, and how simple decisions drew me away from their path. Life is much more than poetic bullshit, and at the same time that's all it ever is. My life, my poetic bullshit.
I tell myself things to make me feel good, to make me feel special, because I am a narcissist. We all are. Maybe it's actually the truth that makes us special, not the lies that we tell ourselves. I like to tell myself that I'm special because many people who have lost themselves to heroin remain lost, but maybe the truth is that their not lost, just making different decisions, and taking different paths. I give myself accolades for making the choice to not use, but I don't hear many people who have never used standing upon soap boxes declaring themselves victors. Where are the accolades for the people who never made the choice to deviate from the path of sobriety? Do they have some sort of support group where they tell tales of how they were once offered an escape and denied it, where everyone sits in a circle congratulating them on their strength? Sobriety-Anonymous?
The truth is that I'm not special, I was stupid, arrogant, weak. Now I crown myself victorious for conquering my own demons just like everyone else does everyday. I defeated my own stupidity, somebody give me a fucking medal. Somebody notice that I'm special, because I see lines of people who are much more special than me, and I need my badge of narcissism.
I set myself adrift on the tides of fate, so I may blame others for my mistakes.