Ian and Lisa speak about recovery and addiction with emphasis on opiates, narcotic pain medication and heroin.

This episode is of special importance, it was made as a result of a conversation held between Lisa and a personal friend who has been the direct inspiration and driving motivation behind many of the thoughts and theories held by Lisa, Ian and their foundation. Like the ripples in a pond, our actions are far-reaching, and touch the lives of others in ways that are not always evident. 

 "Thank you for always remaining true to yourself and providing an example for others, your  integrity helps me and others every day!"

-Lisa

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We're all assholes..Some of us are just better at hiding it!

Ian and Lisa speak about free will, empathy and karma. The couple also ponder abortion and raising children.

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I always thought it was strange that a person's grip on reality is, often times, measured by their ability to let go.

This is how I'm learning to leave the pain of my divorce in the past:

I've been dreading this moment, rolled it over a million times in my head, talked myself out of it, only to arrive back at this spot time after time... I started this blog in an attempt to take responsibility, to grow into a more self-aware individual, capable of growth through reflection and accountability. But that's only half the story, what about the accountability of others?

I always thought it was twisted that people tend to take advantage of the weak, but maybe that's just human nature. I've noticed that by taking full responsibility that others seem to place their guilt with me and feel absolved. I am not an innocent by any means, but it's time to tighten my grip on reality and take active steps to grow into the person I hope to become.

Slayer has the tendency to label people as "good" or "bad" people fairly quickly. I've always thought this was closed-minded and have tried to refrain from judging others so quickly. I can't tell if this is simply a lie that I tell myself to make me feel like I'm a more caring or understanding person than I truly am, or whether I actually believe that I am giving people opportunities to rewrite my first impressions. Either way, I think that we're all the same. We're all looking for something we'll never find, hopelessly searching for something that does not exist: ourselves. We all seek acceptance and understanding from those around us, and we all search for a partner who will love us as we love ourselves, but we might as well set out in search of a unicorn, as both discoveries are impossible.

Hollywood romance scenarios fool us into believing that chivalry and valor are traits held by the manliest of men, and that love will conquer all. But if that was possible or even likely we wouldn't find ourselves entertained by movies depicting self-sacrificing love because it wouldn't be a departure from reality. The problem, possibly, is in the definition or the concept of love itself. Somehow we have it stuck in our minds that to love someone is to be willing to die for them, but I see it as exactly the opposite: to love someone is to be willing to live for them.

While each of us seeks a partner who will grant us the supreme security of "true love" by loving us as we love ourselves, we never find it because we're unable or have become incapable of returning that feeling. To explain it in fairy tale language: we all hope to meet someone who would be willing to sacrifice all and die to for us, but none of us are willing to be the ones left for dead.

The disconnect is in expectations. We hold others accountable to standards that we are unwilling to meet ourselves. We expect more from others than what we're willing to give. To give an example of this behavior I urge you to ask yourself these questions:

• Have you ever thought that you would be happier or more fulfilled with someone other than your partner? 

• Have you ever had the thought that you were staying with your partner simply because you'd rather not be alone? 

• Have you ever given someone the impression that you were somehow unhappy or unsatisfied with your partner?

Although nearly all of us have experienced thoughts like these or displayed actions like those described above, if we now take a moment and imagine our partner having similar thoughts or engaging in similar action we begin to feel the injustice of betrayal.  Why is it that we expect for our partners to be so devoted when we are not willing to return the commitment?

The answer is fear. Fear of rejection, fear of failure, fear of abandonment, fear that we'll be the ones left for dead. A life lead motivated by fear makes us slaves, bound by our miseries and beaten with our own assumptions. These assumptions, along with predjudices, stereotypes and other judgements we make regarding others leads us to distance ourselves from others, assuming we already know what their reaction and responses will be to us. We swim in this sea of dishonesty that we create, eventually drowning in our own lies. This pain and apathy stems from self-inflicted wounds to our ego, created by expectations never reciprocated.

I have considered my journey to be a tradgedy, a tale of

missed opportunities, misunderstandings and misappropriation of thoughts and emotion. The truth is that it is simply a tale of my own agony, inflicted by my own apathy. My divorce left me with what felt like a hole in my soul, a deep and constant pain that I can only describe as suffocating. I spent time replaying the choices I had made that eventually lead to my former husband calling it quits. I spent hours lost in confusion and siezed by sorrow, mournful tears seemed to permanently stain my face and scar my willingness and ability to love and be loved. 

Upon closer inpspection, however, that crushing torment was nothing more than self loathing. I spent months asking myself how and why he was able to walk away so easily, but I was never able to honestly look within myself and see that it wasn't him I was mourning for, nor was it the loss of our marriage. The gaping hole in my soul was for myself. I searched and stretched my imagination, reaching for a person or situation that was to blame aside from myself, but only found that I was exactly where my decisions and actions had lead me, and I was remaining there, wounded and broken because that was where I was choosing to remain. Possibly the truest and most honest self realization came when I understood that it wasn't a longing for him that was causing me to feel as though I lay battered and bloodied. Though I told myself my pain arose from a need to be with my high school sweetheart, deep within I knew that my pain was directly resulting from the fact that he didn't need me. 

While his actions were less than perfect or thoughtful, my actions were those of a pserson who did not need or want a husband, and what I was seeing was simply the result of his actions in response to mine; he was reciprocating the behaviors he saw me exhibit. 

I had allowed my window through which I viewed the world to become clouded by my own impressions and assumptions of others, and it become so muddled with my own hallucinations that I was unable to see anything but a reflection of myself. I was in search for a scape goat on which to blame my sorrow, had I maintained that course, a solution would never have been found. The first, last and only person we owe any responsibility to is ourselves, and so without taking that first leap of faith or finally accepting our own responsibility by holding ourselves accountable for actions we are condemning ourselves to reliving the painful cycle again and again. In order to release our past and finally move forward we must take charge, take action and take responsibility. Only then are we able to give ourselves a future free of pain.

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CLICHÉS....

TREAT OTHERS AS YOU WANT TO BE TREATED...

First, a little story: I was driving home last week when this big SUV came up behind me. The driver was clearly in a hurry, which was confusing to me as we were entering a residential area. I mean sure, I'm excited to get home after a long day, but I'm not so excited that I behave like a maniac or risk getting a speeding ticket, I'll save all my risky and daring driving for when I'm late for work! So, when the driver of the hulking SUV blared the horn at me the very second that the light turned green I wasn't exactly eager to do as he demanded. Truth be told I took my time, and he let me know his true feelings by extending his hand out of the window of his Ford Explorer and flipping me off. I turned down my street and watched him speed off, free to annoy the next driver he would come across.

The real shocker came about a second later when I read his bumper sticker. I couldn't help but laugh aloud as I recognized the "WWJD?" decal on the back of his Explorer. Indeed, what would Jesus do. Should I assume that the man driving that SUV was exemplifying his own advice, would Jesus flip me the middle finger? My guess is that people seek to emmulate the actions of others who exhibit kindness and goodwill toward others, people whom are percieved to be of better character than they are. Then I suddenly had the very ironic thought that the man in the explorer probably thought that I was the evil one. Afterall, I am an agnostic, and even though I try to be very considerate of others and truly live by the "golden rule" I am not obeying order #1 in his book.

The moral of the story is this:

1) We all want to appear to be working on becoming better people, but none of us is there quite yet. So really, who gives a shit what Jesus, or anyone else would do? The true question is what would you do?

2) Bumper stickers make you look like an asshole.

I spent the majority of my adult life in college, and with that came an endless stream of questions. Actually, it was just the same few questions asked over and over: what was my major, and what was I going to do after college. I never got tired of answering these questions, and I realize now that is probably because my answer was constantly changing, but I was always lying. 

WHAT WOULD __________ DO?

Being a medical student was exciting and held just enough prestige to earn me respect before I had actually earned it, but not enough to label me as a snob. People actually seemed to want my opinion, care about my journey and hear about my life. I would dazzle friends, family and acquaintances with stories from different classes or experiences in the hospital. I would feel pride and accomplishment surge through my body as I saw looks of approval on their faces and I would graciously accept their words of encouragement with a smile and a nod. While nearly everyone I met came away with a great impression of me, behind my bloated ego lived an ugly truth. Under the mask of glowing potential was the face of a junkie.

SHOOT FOR THE MOON, LAND AMONGST THE STARS...

The most common question I was asked was: "where do you see yourself in the future?" I'd respond with lofty goals and hopes of surgery, orthopedic specialties and other possibilities I happened to be contemplating at the time. But, no matter how I answered the question, my response was always a lie. I knew that I had worn myself thin, the proverbial dough of my essence was stretched to the point of being nearly transparant, and soon enough was so thin that everyone was finally able to look and see right through me.

BE THE CHANGE YOU WISH TO SEE....

I've since wondered how people are so readily able to offer up some fantasy that they've created within their own minds as truth. While I knew what I was while answering those questions, I knew what I had been and I knew how I was, I knew what I wanted and what I was doing to correct my faults. If we set our sights upon a goal to be a better person, or really to change anything about ourselves, it makes sense that we would, over time, begin to think and behave in that manner. I knew that I wasn't actively doing anything to become a better person, yet I envisioned the "future-me" to be much different from the person I was living as. 

NOTHING THAT IS WORTH HAVING IS EASY....

Through inaction no change can occur, so why would it ever be assumed that at some future point our problems will be solved? Yet we've all internally wished for some future point to arrive and bring with it results that we are not willing to put effort into. 

How many of these clichés do you use regularly? Are you exemplifying actions that are consistant with who you want to be? I know I have a long way to go, but as they say... 

RECOGNIZING THE PROBLEM IS THE FIRST STEP!

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Lisa asks the question: how much would you sell your children for? As the couple discuss a population growth model that Lisa conceptualized. The (controversial) idea is bound to inspire thought and provoke conversation. Is she truly suggesting sterilizing women and giving addicts money? Find out!

Send any and all feedback about this episode or any other episode to Lisa: lisadawnwhite@hotmail.com

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Fighting Fair

Lisa and Ian talk about the art of arguing and how to do it in a more healthy way. Lisa talks about forgiveness and how to finally release emotional baggage from past relationships. 
Ian professes his love for.... waffles?

Ian and Lisa talk about unconditional love and addiction. Lisa voices some of her thoughts surrounding addictions and drugs and Ian weighs in with parallels concerning internet pornography.

also published on Sex, Lies & Digital Recordings. 

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Certainly we all can't empathize with every dynamic witnessed in addiction, but why do we face off against the ones we love the most, and the ones we attempt to help? 

Why does it evolve into an offense and defense, are we not on the same side as the ones we love? Both of these contenders have similar desires, and similar needs: they both want understanding and they are both in need of support. Unfortunately, both may feel too hurt, betrayed or otherwise wronged to be willing to offer support to the other. 

Recently I've had the occasion to question why we segregate people in support. I'm not entirely convinced that separate support groups for the addicted and non-addicted are helpful, it seems just as possible that the division could serve as a wedge, creating a further divide between the two, and potentially increasing the lack of understanding. 

We are all unique and have intrinsic motivations apart from others, yet our inspirations come directly from those around us. I believe it makes more sense to put aside what differences we have, and realize that although we may be viewing the world through different scopes, our sights are set on a common goal.

When we emotionally attach ourselves to the outcome of a situation by allowing our egos or definition of self be tied to it, we see the situation through an emotional filter. By nature, when we are emotional we can't simultaneously be rational and cannot be viewed as logical by others. Since credibility is an all or nothing trust granted to us by others, emotionally attaching ones self to the outcome of a situation can thereby result in others discrediting our entire argument as unreliable and not-credible.

We've all heard the assumptions and stereotypes asserting that women are irrational or illogical creatures. I'm sure it come without surprise that I disagree with this view. I can, however, appreciate the concept and have recognized certain illogical traits and characteristics within myself. 

From very young ages males and females are treated differently, and thus respond to environmental stimuli accordingly. Females are doted upon and there is more regard paid to emotional wellbeing and more attention given to acts of feeling rather than logic or problem solving encouragement. As a result many females react emotionally throughout their lives, as it usually secures their desires. Males, having been rewarded more for critical thinking over their lifetime, are unsure and thus uneasy about dealings that are largely emotional, causing them to view the person reacting in an emotional manner as unstable or unpredictable and often times gives whatever resource or action is desired in an attempt to return to a level playing field of rationality. 

This reinforces the emotional reactions of females and thus continues the cycle. These tendencies can also be seen in a conflict between a male and female. Males generally take time to become calm prior to discussion, whereas women are comfortable making points while passionate about the subject. Males tend to be very solution-based and are less likely to vent frustrations, and at times find difficulty determining the value of simply talking about a problem that they have not formulated a specific solution for.

"Human nature" is anything but natural. It refers to cultural behavior that we have manufactured to allow us to justify emotional reactions rather than logical actions. 

If anything, I believe that what is referred to as "human nature" is a result of our nurture, and largely emotional.

These statements made solely from observations and experiences involving my interactions with others.
    -Lisa White

This post also published for Sex, Lies and Digital Recordings at: sexliesanddigitalrecordings.blogspot.com 

Forgive me, for I have sinned: I was entrusted with the life of a young lady, rather than protect her I chose to let her bleed. She had dreams, before I robbed her of them. People have mentioned that before I came into her life she had a certain innocence about her. That innocence now lay tarnished and discarded along with the other relics of a life that was half-lead. I was her stalker, her assailant and her support. I followed her through her life, always careful to stay out of sight, blending in with her subconscious and waiting. I knew my time to reign would come, and I knew her well enough to know that she had no defense against me. Her innocent little mind, so naively arrogant, was her achilles heel: leaving her unprotected from the virus of truth I infected her with.

When we overcome our addictions we deny a part of ourselves. We learn to live partitioned, one person divided. I now am in a standoff with a portion of myself: my addiction. There is a hole within my whole.                    -Lisa